Unnecessary Rambling

17 October 2006
CSKA Moscow 1-0 Arsenal
Carvalho 24'

My writing project Alcova has become a mess of sorts. Perhaps the foremost problem that has led to its current state of confusion was that I did not open with a clear goal in mind, except to write. I thought that was a good thing for a while, indeed, the formula seemed ingenius. I quit so many projects out of boredom, or laziness, but I am now encountering a new problem: complete perplexity as to what I'm doing with it. I originally wanted it to be a distantly viewed history lesson. Telos, the main character, was to be some grand warrior who conquered the universe and when that happened, he realizes that all he has conquered is himself. Who knows, maybe that story will still come out of this. I can see hints of it swirling around what I write, but each entry seems to put that goal further and further out of any logical reach. But another problem found in the formula I devised is the conciseness each entry demands. As most entries comprise one page, there is a considerable struggle with distance from the story. The first chapter was about as distant as I had wanted, with some entries covering periods of two months time. Of course, this approach, engaging long spans of time, suggests reasonable knowledge of long-term goals within the story, of which I had none. I created a love story that spans a year and dispatched it within eleven pages: mild success. Then, in chapter two, I move Telos to a new city and find each entry discussing only one day at a time. I had suddenly moved in very close, a side-effect of my desire to incorporate interesting characters (all of whom are allusions to history or fiction). I view this second chapter as a pretty sound failure, and by the end of it, I was questioning what I was doing with Alcova at all. So in the third chapter I tried to move back a little more, but in a different way. This isn't a grand historical epic, which is perhaps what I should have just fucking written, it would have been a lot easier. I am essentially writing a novel one day and one page at a time. I needed some inspiration, and I looked to a familiar source: TS Eliot. The titles of the third chapter reflect this, as they are all quotes from The Waste Land. Furthermore, I made the writing more psychological and less physical. Instead of watching Telos go on a vision quest, instead of watching him starve, I described the starvation eating his soul. The chapter in fact watches him have two mental breakdowns; the first is brought on by his long journey south, and the second is brought on by his desire to challenge himself. I found the third chapter more successful than the second, but it can't really compare to the first. When I finished Chapter 3, my approach to Alcova had changed massively: it has become an exploration of Telos's psyche, and the journey that his Self goes through (which was to be metaphorically represented by his physical journey, but by the end of Chapter 2 I realized this would become a tiresome and repititious trope). However, I think this might be a good evolution. The introduction, the first three pages I wrote, explained that this project was to watch as a young man fought his perception of reality. By shedding my dependence on his physical story, I can more accurately explore his psychological changes. But now I am wrestling with those changes. The Waste Land led me to read some Hindu texts, and I found them very inspiring; such that I thought they would provide good material for Telos to interact with. Chapter 4 has, so far, been entirely discussion of basic Hindu concepts--simply implying that Telos is now studying Hindu books, or something. While the voice of Alcova has changed drastically over the course of the four chapters, I can see where it is all going, kind of. After this chapter, Telos will return home, and from there to Damascus, and he will have to confront his past with Cavillace and Syme. I don't know where I want it to go from there, however. I still envision that great moment, at the end of Alcova, where Telos is Lord of Everything, and he reaches "the end of the universe and everything" only to find himself. At the very bottom of it all, my struggle with Alcova is parallel to Telos's struggle with his world. Maybe I will only understand Alcova when I have finished it, similar to when Telos only understands the universe when he can see the entire expanse beneath him. When I imagine that, I know that this project will be worth it. Maybe I won't understand Alcova ever, but if I can manage to climb to the peak, if I can get to "the end of it," maybe I will realize that understanding isn't necessary. If I can just fucking finish it, I feel like it will be worth it no matter the outcome. If I get it, if I don't, I'll at least take experience away from the whole thing.